Going Through The Motions

I have always felt as though I would die young. Just a feeling, an itching, at the back of my mind constantly reminding me that I’m not meant to grow up. I’m not meant to be an adult. I’m not destined for a career or family. I don’t belong as a functioning member of society. I’m just not meant to grow old. So I just go through the motions. 

I keep trying in school. It’s a struggle everyday. What’s the point? It will all be over soon. However, I made it to high school graduation. My friends are excited. They’re excited that high school is over. They’re excited to start college and to move away from their parents houses. I just keep expecting someone to tell me that I didn’t actually graduate after how poorly I did in school. I suppose I’m excited that I graduated. 

I was accepted into college as well. Must be a mistake. My grades in high school weren’t nearly good enough to make it into college. I’ll get there and someone will tell me that I’ve been mistaken. 

My parents are excited for me, probably more excited than I am. It’s a big step forward in life. Just not sure why it’s a step I need to take. I don’t know what I want to do for my future. I don’t even think I’ll have a future. If it makes my parents happy though…

I started dating. My parents were worried about me. Strange thing to worry about though. Adam and I have been dating for quite some time now. Going on three years. I love him, I do, but I feel as though I’m just leading him on. He could find someone better in a heartbeat. He deserves someone better. 

Adam recently proposed to me. I said yes. I can’t stop staring at the ring on my finger; it’s stunning. Day after day I’m entranced by the glimmer of the diamond resting on my finger. It’s a good feeling, knowing that you’re loved. It’s a good feeling knowing that somebody cares about you enough to ask to spend the rest of their lives with you. It’s a good feeling. I wonder if he feels that way. 

I told my family and closest friends. They are all excited for me. They’ve started talking wedding plans such as locations and dress shopping and the bachelorette party. Should I be as excited as they are? Maybe I’m not jumping for joy because I’m half expecting him to call it off. 

Days go on and life passes me by. My body just seems to be on autopilot. As though I’m not really in control anymore. Maybe I never was. I’ve just been going through the motions for so long that most of my decisions don’t feel as if they were my own. Most just feel as if I’m doing things because I feel obliged to keep up with how I want people to view me. How do I want people to view me?

Time fly by and I’m nearing college graduation. I am the meaning behind C’s get degrees. Minimal effort. I find myself to exhausted to do much more than that. I’m not sure why I need this degree. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it. More than likely I’ll just be a retail associate but with a bachelors degree. I don’t think I was meant to make it this far in life. 

Our wedding is set for after graduation. I should be excited, right? I should be ecstatic. The best times of my life are ahead of me and I’m just worried. Worried that I didn’t actually graduate. That its still a mistake that I made it into college. They’re eventually going to find out that I’m not meant to be here. 

I should be happy to get married to Adam. I just keep worrying that I’m going to make the biggest mistake of our lives. Why would he want to marry me anyway? 

Weeks have passed and I’m closer to graduation and my wedding. I’ve picked out my dress. When I put it on, I feel like a princess. I feel like royalty. I told my fiancĂ© and he was beyond happy for me. Is he faking it like I am?

I’ve graduated now. Done with school. Forever. Everyone is so proud of me. It doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything significant. It just feels like I just have more hard work to do. Now I’m supposed to be an actual full fledge adult. I’m not ready for that. 

Days pass. My family and friends are gathering in town for the wedding. Everyone wants to congratulate my fiancĂ© and I. They want to shower us with presents because we decided to make our relationship legal. I’m constantly told how excited I must be that my big day is finally here. I thought I’d be a little excited by now myself. 

It’s the night before the final engagement. Rehearsal dinner. His parents come to tell me how excited they are to welcome me into their family. They tell me that I’ll be an amazing daughter-in-law. I’m not sure why they would think that. To be honest, I’m nothing special and Adam could do much better than me. However, I tell them that I’m the lucky one. I tell them I can’t believe that I found someone as amazing as their son. I whole heartedly believe that but why am I not excited?

It’s the morning of my wedding. Everyone is scattering about getting prepared for my big day. We all need to look dressed up for the pictures. I pull my maid of honor aside. 

“I’m nervous. I don’t think I can go through with this. What if this is all a mistake?”

“You’ve just got cold feet. Don’t worry. I know you both love each other. Lots of people get cold feet, it’s no reason to call of the wedding.”

Yes, but lots of people also get divorced, I think to myself. She’s right though. I can’t turn back now. I’d disappoint too many people. I’d cause too much distress. I can’t handle that. 

The wedding is about to start. I excuse myself to the restroom and bring my purse along with me. I lock the bathroom door and pull a bottle of pills out. Dumping enough pills out to fill my hand, I think to myself, ‘I was always meant to die youn.’